tysontrips

16, September, 2005

Tyson Trembles (with rage) or Broke in Bahia, Brazil

One of my major travel goals for this extended trip was to spend all my money before returning to the US. Of course, easier done than said. But it has become even easier now that I am getting some help from the locals.

Somewhere in Brazil right now, someone sits with a guilty conscience. A guilty, fabulously rich conscience. Once again I have donated to the world's - for lack of a better term - 'Opportunistic Thief Organization'. Over the years, in countries such as Spain, Sweden, Thailand, Spain, Peru, Spain yet again, and now Brazil, I have unwillingly sloughed off thousands of dollars in cash and prizes to the less fortunate (good thing) and less honest (bad thing). Idealistically, the fruits of my misfortune and stupidity could at least go to those who don't steal rather than reward and positively reinforce the behavior of those who do. I must be dreaming.

This time it was a fairly big hit. The kind of hit that will make a noticable difference in how long I am able to travel. "What were you doing foolishly carrying around two weeks worth of cash on you in Brazil, Tyson, you big, tough traveler?" Shut up, that's what. Explained more genially, let's just say that, at some point in my travels, the American dollars were meant to be used as a small sum of US foreign AID to Cuba. Now the poor Cubans with their excellent, free health care and other social benefits will have to live without my tiny contribution.

From petty thievery such as having a leather jacket I found in a dumpster taken from my person or an out of service cell phone lifted at a Scandinavian train station to having every thing but the shirt off my back stolen in Spain, I have 'been relieved' of at least one item that I would have preferred to keep with me on every one of my travels of any significant length. It seems almost inevitable.

With my former mistakes in mind, however, I have tried to be on my best behavior. But it looks like quicker hands have prevailed once again in the never-ending battle of traveler versus thief. It took me just a few hours to realize what had taken place, and not but a few minutes more to come to the baffling conclusion as to who the guilty party was with 90 percent certainty. I exhausted every other possibility that has any plausibility. At 4am Monday night, when I was totally zonked out on a 20hr bus ride to the coast, I was rudely awoken by a heavily armed Policia Militar officer, who was barking orders at me in Portuguese. I understood him but I didn't understand why he was being such a dick. He searched my stuff very thoroughly (viz., he saw my wad of US dollars stashed deep in my emergency money belt). Then he searched the rest of the bus semi-thoroughly. Later he came back with one of his buddies (now there were 4 or 5 of them on the bus) and searched me AGAIN. But this time he did the full body search, which in Brazil involves a couple of stiff karate chops up the leg and into one's scrotum. This isn't the first time cops have searched me here and I was not looking forward to this sharp pain again. As he was searching my person, his buddy (who I am sure he tipped off) 'searched' my emergency bag with my cash in it, took it, and left. It happened so fast I didn't even notice at the time (it was 4 am). But I sure noticed the next day. My blood boils just describing it; such a dirty, uncalled for move. These guys are supposed to be protecting me from shit like this (apparently they only make 300 dollars or so salary per month so he just beat that with one snag). Even if I have to bribe officials to do their, I can handle a little greasing of the wheel. But don't just rob me blind, assholes!

This paragraph might sound defeatist but it is really an option for the common good: Because there is no chance of me ever making it on a long trip without feeling the sting of sticky fingers I have decided that maybe something more productive for me to do than to complain or beef up my lousy systems of personal defense and homeland security is to impart to you some valuable lesson that I have learned during years of traveling in ridiculously insecure situations. I present these lessons I have learned in the form of four extremely simple rules which will help you in any situation you encounter during your travels.

Tyson's 4 Simple 'Play-It-Safe Rules' (PISRs) for traveling:

Rule #1 - Even if you play everything perfect - like I had obviously done when creating this first rule - it still only takes just one turn up the wrong dark, narrow alleyway while intoxicated at 4:30 am in the hash selling neighborhood of a poor city to lose whatever you have on your person. It seems unbelievable but it's true.

Rule #2 - Even if you perform every security measure impeccably – except for leaving your hotel door unlocked and partly open with your most important documents (cash, credit cards, passport) spread across your bed in plain view to anyone who passes by your door while you take a leisurely stroll down the beach located 10 miles from your room – there's still bound to be some brilliant opportunist who will find a way into you valuables. They are that good.

Rule #3 - Even if you guard your camera with your life – while leaving the carrying strap hanging out of your pocket as you walk shoulder to shoulder down a tightly packed street during a busy festival in Peru, which is full of pickpockets and young kids with tiny, quick hands just waiting for the chance to snatch anything out of tourists pants pockets – there is still a chance you could lose your camera. It could be gone in a flash. That's right, pun intended.

Rule #4 - And finally, Even though are bear-hugging your huge backpack like its a fluffy stuffed animal – while passed out in a sketchy plaza in the midst of one of the world's craziest parties and full of some of its most pesky criminals, after not sleeping properly for countless nights, the night before which you passed the entirety on a train drinking wine with your buddy you hadn't seen in forever, and you roll off your bag during your slumber due to fatigue, only to leave you bag lying alone in the middle of the crowded plaza for anyone to grab – you could still be subject to the inherently sinister ways of the not-so-common thief who will find a way to steal your bag and all its contents, including a plane and train tickets, your passport, all you money, camera, clothes and credit cards. Where do these thieves learn such deceptive tricks?

Don't let bad things happen to you. Memorize these simple PISRs word for word before you leave on your vacation. If you can't, then photocopy, shrink and laminate them and place them or stitch them into all your pockets before you depart, so they are with you at all times. Remember, your safety comes first.

In other, happier news, I have arrived in the Brazilian state of Bahia, where I will reside until…well, until Brazil feels that my dollars are no longer worth taking (literally); sometime in late November probably. The Bahia state, as I understand it, is known for all things hot: Hot women, hot weather, hot dancing, hot cuisine containing hot peppers, hot days and hotter nights. I like hot. Almost the entire coastline is stripped with white sand beach, lined by palm trees, and soaked by warm, clear waters. Oh, and there are more novel (to me) tropical fruits than I have ever laid eyes on. They are so sweet and sour that it is hard to be bitter about anything. For the time being I will be settled somewhere in Bahia, attempting to drink the juices of every tropical Brazilian fruit, sunning and surfing by day, and compulsively counting my money like a paranoid gringo by night. Tchau.