Words

The Great Slurpie Slopping

It has been a pretty solid night so far. Vince and I are out with two of the best looking non-cheerleaders at Wenatchee High School. Given, we are almost seniors now and these girls are going to be just sophomores (translation: we have a car and they don’t). But that’s not really what has made the difference this evening. We have kept the night fresh with our humor and, thanks to our slight age advantage, maintained just enough sophistication to keep these girls interested. As the night has worn on I have even noticed Vince loosen up a little toward Heather, who seems equally interested. And based on a few coy looks that I have received from Tracy, I have a sneaking suspicion we may be headed up to the old Saddle Rock make out point, overlooking the summer lights of the city, before I have to rush home for midnight curfew. That is, after I drop Vince and Heather off at 11:30.

Even though we all had popcorn and soft drinks at the late showing of Ace Ventura, which really put us in the mood for laughter, we all agree to stop by the Safeway on Western Ave. for some late-night munchies before we drop off Heather and Vince. I notice, right as we slide out of my mom’s Cadillac, that Heather and Vince are cuddling up fairly close in the back seat. Pretty damn good for the first date, I must say. I remind myself to give him a high-five when I see him in the halls on Monday. We don’t really see each other that often outside of school. But if things keep going this smoothly, maybe there will be some more double dates in the future.

We wander around Safeway aimlessly. We are killing time mostly, but I find that it’s a good chance to have some one-on-one conversation with Tracy. We chat about life as we walk through the freezer section. She is so cute. And so innocent. I think I really like her. She chooses an ice-cream bar, which I offer to pay for. It’s chilly in the freezer section. Tracy smiles at me and I feel an extra shiver. I reach over to her and quickly run my hands up and down her bare arms to warm her up. The touch of my hands causes her blush but I can tell she likes it. “We better get going,” I say. She nods. I am feeling spectacular.

Up at the checkout we see Vince, who carries a bag of Skittles for himself and some chips for Heather. The only other people in the empty store at this hour are two dorky looking dudes, probably a year or two younger than us, who are hanging out over by the vending machines near the entrance. They aren’t even buying anything. They are just holding Slurpees and kicking a gumball around on the floor between themselves. As we check out, their gumball comes skidding past us on the floor. The two kids turn away quickly and act like they didn’t accidentally kick it our way.

I seize the opportunity to show my mature and humorous sides to Tracy. I point at the two guys and speak audibly, “Look at those losers! I wonder when their ride is coming to get them.” All four of us crack up at the pair of dweebs in the corner, who seem to be oblivious to everything. They look like scrubs compared to us. We are all dressed up fairly nice for the outing.

We mosey out to the car, treats in hand. I allow Vince to get back in the back seat with Heather. After all, he’s got only a limited time left until he has to be home. So I figure I will drive us around a little and he can try to put on the moves. Lucky guy. I am just waiting for my chance alone with Tracy

I pull out of our spot and drive slowly through the parking lot, no particular place to go. It’s a warm night, even for central Washington in the summer. I roll down all the power windows and crank back the sunroof of the Caddy so we can all enjoy the night sky. Time for a little cruising. Just as we are about to exit the parking lot I see those same two guys from inside the store. Now they are outside, standing on the curb with their Slurpees and looking bored and lame. This is the perfect opportunity for me to crack another joke on these idiots. I stop the vehicle and stick my head out my driver’s side window to yell behind us,

“Hey, what time’s your mom coming to pick you guys up?”

Because I almost start cracking up before I finish the insult, the two fools, who are about 30 yards behind the car, don’t seem to hear me. They just shrug their shoulders. Everyone in the car is roaring with laughter. Tracy even snorts. She covers her mouth, embarrassed. Vince and Heather have their heads turned and are watching through the back window. They are dying with amusement. I decide to keep with it. I lean back out.

“I said, what time is your mom coming to pick you up?”

This time they shrug again but start walking toward the car. We are all still cracking up. I swear, Vince almost has a tear in his eye, he is laughing so hard. But the two jerkoffs are still not answering. So I figure I may as well just keep asking.

“Are you deaf? I said when is your mom coming to pick you up?”

Still walking toward the car, the taller Slurpee geek says, “What, man?” The laughter is starting to die down in the car. The joke is getting old. These deaf guys totally ruined it. I don’t know why they can’t hear me. I figure that, to save face, I will just tell the joke one more time then take off because the whole situation is getting stupid. I lean a little farther out the window and loudly enunciate every syllable.

“What-time-is-your-mom-get-ting-here-to-pick-you-up?”

I even put my hands out the window to emulate the steering wheel in their arriving parent’s car. Finally, about 15 yards away from my mom’s Caddy, the two stop and look at each other. It looks like they finally understand what absolute fools I am making of them. I put my head back in the car and smirk at Tracy. “What losers,” I mutter. She is not quite as impressed as she was at the beginning of the joke but she smiles back. “Let’s get out of here,” I say, annoyed, and everybody agrees.

Just as I put the Caddy back into drive something slams through the sunroof. Tracy lets out a scream. There is a loud “Whoomp” sound and that turns into a splattering, like a giant half-melted snowball has just fallen from the sky and splashed all over the dashboard of mom’s car.

“What the fuck?!” I yell.

“Dude, those guys just threw a Slurpee in your car!” exclaims Vince. It’s true. I look around at the devastation. The empty cup lies on the dash, its sticky contents splattered all up against the windshield and melting on the dash and in the vents. There was splash back too. I look over at Tracy. She is petrified with a shocked look on her face. Her arms are halfway up in the air, like she has just gotten unsuspectingly soaked by a hose. She seems traumatized. Piles of hot pink ice crystals are melting on her nice dress. My mom’s car is soaked and stained. I have Slurpee on my face and on my good clothes. Everything is covered in a sticky mess. These guys just messed up my double date so bad. My face turns bright red. I look behind me, through my back windshield, past a visibly disturbed Vince and Heather, and I see those two dudes snickering at each other in disbelief, unable to control their pleasantly surprised laughter.

I lose it.

Vince jumps out of the Caddy and, in a fit of rage, I swing my car around, floor the gas pedal and speed toward the two assholes.

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“Whoa, did you see that?” I poke Shawn in the ribs. “That kid is trying to hit that other kid with his car! Gnarly, dude!”

Ever since we finished school last year we have always come to this Safeway parking lot for late-night action. Actually, ‘action’ is a bad way to describe it because there is hardly ever anything cool going on. But it sure beats sitting at home all night and smoking pot like we usually do on Saturday. Most times, when we get high enough, we come down here and put the tailgate down on my Volkswagen bus and chill out for a couple hours. Then, once we get the munchies we go buy something at Safeway. It is one of the only places that is open all night so at least it’s something to do.

“Now look at them,” says Shawn. “One dude just got out of the car and started chasing them on foot. And the other guy is trying to cut them off with the car. This is true action, man.”

I watch the guy dodging between the cars in the lot. He seems like he is running around away from someone’s car, a Cadillac, which is trying to hit him. And all the while he is keeping away from another dude who is trying to chase him on foot. It’s a real cat and mouse exposé.

This Saturday all four of us – Sarah, Shawn, Heath, and I all got off work at the pizza place early, so we spent a good couple hours relaxing at my house and watching Pulp Fiction while we got baked. But Shawn and Heath got hungry for some burritos so we came down to hang out at the parking lot a little earlier than usual. Everything seemed pretty mellow, especially since it was only 11pm. But just when we had started up a game of hacky sack near the bus, we heard the shouts and screeching tires coming from the front of the lot near the exit

“It seems like they are making their way here,” notices Heath.

The taller kid of the two, the one who is being chased, is still running in squiggles throughout the parking lot while his shorter friend stands clear. Meanwhile, the car with the two angry kids pulls into a spot. The driver inside the car is talking to somebody. But he looks so mad that he can’t decide what to do – run the kids over, chase them on foot or stay with his car.

“I wonder what pissed off that guy in the Caddy so much. It’s kinda like watching an action movie right here in the Safeway parking lot,” says Shawn.

After about five minutes of running around it looks as if the kid who is doing the chasing is tiring out. He walks back to his car and has a discussion with his friend while the other kids back away from the nice car and head toward us. The kid who was doing the chasing gets back out of the car. He has his hand in his jacket pocket and it is pointed toward the taller kid. He approaches them quickly. A short conversation takes place and the two who were being chased back off. The angry guy goes back to his car and the two on foot start running toward us.

“Oh my god, what do these kids want? This is crazy!”

Now all four of us are paying a whole bunch of attention. We stare at them as they come up to us. The taller one, who has been doing the dodging and running, is breathing heavy. He says, “Did you see that shit? That guy said he was gonna shoot me! What the hell, man?!”

This is getting really intense.

“What’s going on, guys? Why are they so mad at you?” I ask.

“Did you see him? He faked like he had a gun in his jacket. Said he was gonna cap me,” says the breathless guy.

This really was strange. All of us were curious as to why this car and this guy would be angry enough to want to run over them and try to shoot them. What an interesting night so far. I had to ask him. “Wait, man. Slow down. What’s going on here. What did you do to those guys to make them sooooooo mad?” The tall guy was slowly gaining his breath. He spoke kind of sheepishly

“Well, we, uh, kinda threw a Slurpee in their car.”

“You hit their car with a Slurpee?” I ask

“No. We threw a Slurpee into their car. Through the sunroof.”

“Whoa, man. C’mon. That’s not cool. That’s not cool at all. Of course they are pissed at you, man. Why would you do something like that?’

“Hey, they were making fun of us.”

That’s not cool at all, I thought. You shouldn’t mess up a guy’s car just because he is making fun of you. That’s really, uh, uncool and immature. “I think you should just go and apolo–”

“Hey, man, do you play football?” Shawn cuts me off to ask the taller kid who had been running.

“Yeah, I play.”

“I could tell by your moves. Those were pretty awesome dodges, dude.”

“Thanks.”

“Shawn, don’t encourage him,” I say. I feel sorry for the guys in the car because they got their car messed up. But I also feel sorry for these guys because they were now being chased all over the parking lot. I’m not sure what to do, other than to wish them good luck. “Well, maybe you guys should leave before they start chasing you again. Good luck.”

Just then I see the chaser kid get back out of the car and come running after the football player again. They both look rejuvenated. The chase is on again, sure enough. I hope nobody gets hurt.

There’s always something good going on in this parking lot.

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What an incredible night of action. Normally we can spend hours in that lot feeling stoned and just shooting the shit. But after watching all of that anger and energy get spent up we feel drained. And our buzz seems to have worn off quicker than usual. I mention to Heath that we could go back, smoke up and watch Pulp Fiction again. Everyone applauds the notion.

We drive home in the van in a chilled hush with the windows cracked, the sunroof open and a cool breeze blowing past my ponytail.

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This is the absolute worst ending to a night that started out as one of the best ever! I have never been so pissed off in my life. The last 15 minutes I have spent wiping the wet, sticky and pink syrupy substance off the upholstery, dashboard and off of Tracy’s dress. Worse yet, the whole time there has been nothing but silence. Everything about the date is ruined. I am so mad I can’t even talk to Tracy, let alone anyone else. We need to go home and forget this ever happened. I call Vince back to the car.

We drive home in the Caddy in an uncomfortable hush with the windows cracked, the sunroof still open, and an icy cool breeze blowing through my Slurpee-styled hair.

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